Confirm The Kill, Dammit!

I am not afraid of many things *except deep water* so I find it quite interesting *and hilarious* when I am caught off guard by a fear I never knew I had. I am not afraid of spiders *just incredibly annoyed by them* and I have never really had a problem with bees... but WASPS! Apparently I am terrified of them. I was never afraid of wasps when I had my occasional encounter with them buzzing around outside. It's when they are INSIDE that I totally FREAK OUT. So here is how the "wasp freak out incident" went down:

I am sitting on the couch watching the idiot box with my awesome friend V.
I notice movement out of the corner of my eye and say...

ME: V, What the EFF is THAT!?!
V: That is a wasp! *V runs screaming into my bathroom and locks herself in*
ME: KILL IT! How do we kill it? We have to get it out of here!!!
V: I'm deathly allergic to wasps! I'm not coming out until it's DEAD!
ME: Woman! How do I KILL IT!?!
V: Oh Jeez, you wuss, I'LL kill it...and I could DIE from it!
ME: Good, kill it then!
V: Aren't you a bad-ass Marine or something? Why are you afraid of a little wasp? *FYI: It was not little, it was freakishly HUGE!*
ME: I've never been afraid of wasps before...I don't know... *Me shaking in my boots scared of the stupid wasp*
V: Oh Shit...it crawling up into the valance. *V removes gets her flip flop and smacks the wasp*
ME: Oh shit oh shit! You're just pissing it off!

At this point I am so terrified that I am coming up with the most idiotic ways to kill the stupid wasp...it must die, or it will revenge sting us in the middle of the night for pissing it off...

Kill Attempt 1: Flip Flop Smooshing = FAIL
Kill Attempt 2: Spraying it with Pine-Sol *we didn't have any RAID* = FAIL
Kill Attempt 3: The Good Ol' Fly Swatter = FAIL

Pretty much all we did was piss this thing off even more. It was an Arnold Schwarzenegger wasp! This effin thing was limping around with a broken wing and jacked up toes saying "I'll be back" with his buggy eyes.

This is the point where I realize that our resistance is futile, and I must call in some back-up.
Who cares if it is 11 O'Clock at night? I called in the big guns, my neighbor P.
That was an awkward conversation:

ME: P, are you awake?
P: Uuuhhh, yes.
ME: What are you doing right now?
P: Nothin'...just watching some t.v.
ME: I need to ask you a huge favor...
P: Yeah...
ME: OK...there's this huge wasp in my house and I can't get it out and we are trying to kill it and it just won't die and I really need you to come over and kill the wasp. Kill it, P! I need you to kill it or it is going to sting me or one of my boys in the middle of the night! I just know it! We've pissed this thing off pretty bad. You just need to come kill it! PLEASE?!?
P: Uhhh...ok. I'll be over in a minute. *P chuckling at me*

So P comes over armed with his big-ass flip flop. *what's up with using flip flops as bug killers?*
Obviously the flip flop attempt is going to be a big ass fail, so I suggest that P finds another way to kill the thing quick without pissing it off even more.
P rummages through my utility closet and emerges with a step stool, flash light and wooden broom.
He attempts to climb on the step stool ,but it is too short to see the wasp from. I push the coffee table over to the window and P stands on top of it armed with a flash light and witch broom. *P is not a little man, so my coffee table is bending in the middle at his point*
P's got one arm extended in front of him with the flashlight shining on the wasp, and he has the broom sighted in on the enemy *looking like he's a javelin thrower in the Olympics* He thrusts the broom at my window blinds and with a "CRASH" it's done.
He hops off the table and says, "It has to be dead now...it could not have survived that." I'm like, "Confirm the kill, P. I can't sleep until you confirm the kill."
P responds, "it's dead, trust me." I've learned from experience not to trust someone when they say, "it's dead, trust me". Anyway....
P takes a break to use my bathroom, when I see a busted up and pissed off wasp crawling out of my window valance!

ME: P! It's not effing dead! Pinch it off and come kill this thing! It's NOT DEAD! It's NOT DEAD! KILL IT! KILL IT!
P: Alright alright...jeez..
ME: We need a confirmed kill on the wasp, ASAP!

So P kills the stupid thing and proceeds to dump the carcass on my living room floor so I can inspect the remains to ensure it's DEAD.
And, yes, the thing was FINALLY dead.
I was able to rest easy that night knowing that we were safe from any psycho wasp revenge stinging in the middle of the night.

But now I am slightly mortified that I was that scared of a wasp. Who knew?

P.S.
Here is the confirmed kill on the wasp:

© 2010 CJH